I don't know why exactly; it just feels like pulling teeth to write anything about myself or how I'm feeling lately. Though, I think I might be able to in this exact moment so I'm going to try.
I'm more stressed all the time right now. I'm always clenching my teeth and tensing my shoulders without thinking about it, and I'm always right at the edge of having an anxiety attack. It's not that having anxiety is new, I've got Anxiety Disorders out the ass, but it is worse than usual, and I don't know why.
I don't think it's my ADHD meds, cuz I've been okay for weeks with them up until now. My old dosage was giving me constant panic attacks, but my doctor changed up my prescription and it's been okay. I don't know if the meds are...like....helping my ADHD at all, that's yet to be determined. But that's a different problem. Maybe it's work? Work has been a trashfire, and it just feels more exhausting than before even on a normal day. 3 people are leaving at the end of this month, leaving us with 4 people to run the kiosk. 2 others are looking for a way to leave as soon as they can. I'm moving at the end of the year, so I'm not helping things, but boy. You can feel the tension.
So, there is that, but I'm kinda good at only thinking about work while at work. STILL, I also know that I don't always feel stress emotionally, I mostly feel it physically (we love traumagenic coping mechanisms). So it's possible that work is stressing me out more than I consciously realize.
Either way, here I am typing stuff. So...other than being really stressed, what is on my mind.
I'm putting together a Queercore zine to sell at SPX, so I've had to do even more research and really re-submerge myself. Which is awesome; Queercore feels like home to me.
Most of the stuff I'm researching is gonna be in the zine anyway, so there's no point in restating it all here, but I will say I was digging around Vaginal Davis' website some more and finding really cool stuff. She has a seemingly endless body of work, so there's always more things to read and experience about her career and life.
This article she wrote about two of the lead actresses from Bruce La Bruce's film "The Misandrists" was really fun. Her love and admiration for the women really comes out, and it's beautiful! I will say, I don't think I like Bruce La Bruce. I've only seen one of his films, but there's, like, a reason I'm hesitant to watch his other ones. I don't trust him. However, he always works with other people that are cooler than him. (P.S, don't watch his films without knowing what you're getting into first and know they're 18+)
I just love Ms Davis so much, and I've been upset that so much of her music is lost to time. Afro Sisters' albums are impossible to find, and the band she started with Bibbe Hansen seems to be, too.
HOWEVER, through trying to find the later band, which was called Black Fag, I found a DIFFERENT band called Black Fag that is ALSO amazing. Unfortunately, their FB page hasn't updated since 2017, so it's safe to say they aren't touring anymore. This Black Fag is a gay Black Flag cover band, who are more performers than anything. Their live shows were campy and marvelous.
Check out this recording of a set they played in 2013- Boy, I wish I could have been there!!!
Somewhat related, I miss going to live shows so much... There's nothing quite as euphoric as being in the thick of a mosh pit, close enough to the stage that you can feel the band's sweat, strangers bumping into you on every side, beer flying through the air. I miss that electricity. I didn't actually go to that many shows before COVID hit- a result of a heavily controlled childhood and lack of opportunity, I guess. Most of the shows I went to were Against Me! shows, which was a good choice. I miss it so much!! I have no idea when I'll feel okay going again. I could maybe go to more low-key shows, but that's not what I actually miss. I miss the unsanitary kind.