I had so much stuff I wanted to blog about for months, but too much time has passed, so I either forgot stuff or lost interest in talking about stuff. I've been really busy with work and other things, but now that SPX is over, I have more free time. SPX was awesome! It was my first time tabling at a "real" expo, but I really enjoyed it. Probably the biggest highlight for me personally was meeting Yugo Limbo, who is just as cool as you'd expect.

Here's our haul! I want to spotlight some of my favorite things I got.

My absolute favorite thing I bought was Frankenstein’s Support Group For Misunderstood Monsters, a series by Jadzia Axelrod.
Unfortunately, I can't find a place to buy the series online, and the images seem to be broken on the site they're hosted on. I might contact Jadzia and ask her about it, because I want more people to read this comic.

The other huge favorite is The Paradox of Getting Better by Raven Lyn Clemens. This book was just incredible. I've been a fan of Raven for a bit now, but I'd been so offline that I didn't even realize they had a book out!!

Lastly, I was deeply moved by this minicomic by an artist who just goes Cathy, or cthartica. I can't find the minicomic online anywhere, but I didn't look that hard. It's probably somewhere on The Comics Gutter. It's a very beautiful story.

Yugo's new book was also incredible, but we all knew that. BTW it is for 18+ audiences only.

While I'm on the subject of comics, the ShortBox Comics Fair is going on this month! There's a lot of cool comics you can get there, but I wanted to highlight my friend Val Wise's comic- I Am Of Two Hearts.

Val is an artist in a league of his own. His stories are always ideas I've never seen done anywhere else, and she's so good at creating compelling worlds and characters. Definitely heed the content warnings, and respect that this comic is for 18+ readers.

REAL QUICK since I'm on a roll you should check out my friend Jules' work.

And also my friend Winona's webcomic Girls with Horns!!!

ANYWAY!

We're moving soon! So, we've been packing the apartment and preparing for that. It's both extremely exciting and nervewracking! We're moving into a HOUSE!! But the house is a huge fixer-upper. That in itself can also be exciting, it's just also daunting.
One of the fun parts is that I started a P*ntrest pinboard for like...interior decorating inspo, cuz we can finally paint our walls anything we want. I'm realizing I'm very in love with green and terracotta walls.

I'm ending this post with something we spotted at our local Spirit Halloween

And some new Asher pics.

Bye!

Cleaning up my blog pages n stuff! Don't mind me! I've been okay.

Today I've been with my partner for 5 years!!!! We've lived together for 3. 5 years ago, they drunk texted me about their crush, and in my normal hopeless-romantic fashion, I was ride or die since then. Our first official date involved them visiting me for a week, sleeping next to me on my shitty double mattress with no bedframe. In that first week, we watched shitty movies, went to a theme park, and I told them I loved them. A relationship starting like that is a huge risk, but I've only ever dated with the intention of building a life with someone- and this time, it finally worked out. 5 years later, we've still never had a fight and I feel comfortable with them unlike I've ever felt with anyone. We're hoping to settle down soon, get a house, and one day start a family. This is it, they're the rest of my life, and I couldn't be happier.


^^^ old art

I wanted to talk about more stuff, but I don't have enough time before work BOOOOOO!!!!! Check out the Queercore zine I made tho. I worked hard on it!! I'll be selling it at SPX.

I don't know why exactly; it just feels like pulling teeth to write anything about myself or how I'm feeling lately. Though, I think I might be able to in this exact moment so I'm going to try.

I'm more stressed all the time right now. I'm always clenching my teeth and tensing my shoulders without thinking about it, and I'm always right at the edge of having an anxiety attack. It's not that having anxiety is new, I've got Anxiety Disorders out the ass, but it is worse than usual, and I don't know why.

I don't think it's my ADHD meds, cuz I've been okay for weeks with them up until now. My old dosage was giving me constant panic attacks, but my doctor changed up my prescription and it's been okay. I don't know if the meds are...like....helping my ADHD at all, that's yet to be determined. But that's a different problem. Maybe it's work? Work has been a trashfire, and it just feels more exhausting than before even on a normal day. 3 people are leaving at the end of this month, leaving us with 4 people to run the kiosk. 2 others are looking for a way to leave as soon as they can. I'm moving at the end of the year, so I'm not helping things, but boy. You can feel the tension.

So, there is that, but I'm kinda good at only thinking about work while at work. STILL, I also know that I don't always feel stress emotionally, I mostly feel it physically (we love traumagenic coping mechanisms). So it's possible that work is stressing me out more than I consciously realize.

Either way, here I am typing stuff. So...other than being really stressed, what is on my mind.

I'm putting together a Queercore zine to sell at SPX, so I've had to do even more research and really re-submerge myself. Which is awesome; Queercore feels like home to me.

Most of the stuff I'm researching is gonna be in the zine anyway, so there's no point in restating it all here, but I will say I was digging around Vaginal Davis' website some more and finding really cool stuff. She has a seemingly endless body of work, so there's always more things to read and experience about her career and life.

This article she wrote about two of the lead actresses from Bruce La Bruce's film "The Misandrists" was really fun. Her love and admiration for the women really comes out, and it's beautiful! I will say, I don't think I like Bruce La Bruce. I've only seen one of his films, but there's, like, a reason I'm hesitant to watch his other ones. I don't trust him. However, he always works with other people that are cooler than him. (P.S, don't watch his films without knowing what you're getting into first and know they're 18+)

I just love Ms Davis so much, and I've been upset that so much of her music is lost to time. Afro Sisters' albums are impossible to find, and the band she started with Bibbe Hansen seems to be, too.

HOWEVER, through trying to find the later band, which was called Black Fag, I found a DIFFERENT band called Black Fag that is ALSO amazing. Unfortunately, their FB page hasn't updated since 2017, so it's safe to say they aren't touring anymore. This Black Fag is a gay Black Flag cover band, who are more performers than anything. Their live shows were campy and marvelous.

Check out this recording of a set they played in 2013- Boy, I wish I could have been there!!!

Somewhat related, I miss going to live shows so much... There's nothing quite as euphoric as being in the thick of a mosh pit, close enough to the stage that you can feel the band's sweat, strangers bumping into you on every side, beer flying through the air. I miss that electricity. I didn't actually go to that many shows before COVID hit- a result of a heavily controlled childhood and lack of opportunity, I guess. Most of the shows I went to were Against Me! shows, which was a good choice. I miss it so much!! I have no idea when I'll feel okay going again. I could maybe go to more low-key shows, but that's not what I actually miss. I miss the unsanitary kind.

Kay bye

Maybe I'll use it for other stuff, too? Anyway, if you go to SPX come say hi.
I keep wanting to make big journal posts with stuff, I have a lot I want to talk about, but then I get tired (like I am right now) and lose interest. Aaa..

Okay bye

Today I've been with my partner for 5 years!!!! We've lived together for 3. 5 years ago, they drunk texted me about their crush, and in my normal hopeless-romantic fashion, I was ride or die since then. Our first official date involved them visiting me for a week, sleeping next to me on my shitty double mattress with no bedframe. In that first week, we watched shitty movies, went to a theme park, and I told them I loved them. A relationship starting like that is a huge risk, but I've only ever dated with the intention of building a life with someone- and this time, it finally worked out. 5 years later, we've still never had a fight and I feel comfortable with them unlike I've ever felt with anyone. We're hoping to settle down soon, get a house, and one day start a family. This is it, they're the rest of my life, and I couldn't be happier.


^^^ old art

I wanted to talk about more stuff, but I don't have enough time before work BOOOOOO!!!!! Check out the Queercore zine I made tho. I worked hard on it!! I'll be selling it at SPX.

I don't know why exactly; it just feels like pulling teeth to write anything about myself or how I'm feeling lately. Though, I think I might be able to in this exact moment so I'm going to try.

I'm more stressed all the time right now. I'm always clenching my teeth and tensing my shoulders without thinking about it, and I'm always right at the edge of having an anxiety attack. It's not that having anxiety is new, I've got Anxiety Disorders out the ass, but it is worse than usual, and I don't know why.

I don't think it's my ADHD meds, cuz I've been okay for weeks with them up until now. My old dosage was giving me constant panic attacks, but my doctor changed up my prescription and it's been okay. I don't know if the meds are...like....helping my ADHD at all, that's yet to be determined. But that's a different problem. Maybe it's work? Work has been a trashfire, and it just feels more exhausting than before even on a normal day. 3 people are leaving at the end of this month, leaving us with 4 people to run the kiosk. 2 others are looking for a way to leave as soon as they can. I'm moving at the end of the year, so I'm not helping things, but boy. You can feel the tension.

So, there is that, but I'm kinda good at only thinking about work while at work. STILL, I also know that I don't always feel stress emotionally, I mostly feel it physically (we love traumagenic coping mechanisms). So it's possible that work is stressing me out more than I consciously realize.

Either way, here I am typing stuff. So...other than being really stressed, what is on my mind.

I'm putting together a Queercore zine to sell at SPX, so I've had to do even more research and really re-submerge myself. Which is awesome; Queercore feels like home to me.

Most of the stuff I'm researching is gonna be in the zine anyway, so there's no point in restating it all here, but I will say I was digging around Vaginal Davis' website some more and finding really cool stuff. She has a seemingly endless body of work, so there's always more things to read and experience about her career and life.

This article she wrote about two of the lead actresses from Bruce La Bruce's film "The Misandrists" was really fun. Her love and admiration for the women really comes out, and it's beautiful! I will say, I don't think I like Bruce La Bruce. I've only seen one of his films, but there's, like, a reason I'm hesitant to watch his other ones. I don't trust him. However, he always works with other people that are cooler than him. (P.S, don't watch his films without knowing what you're getting into first and know they're 18+)

I just love Ms Davis so much, and I've been upset that so much of her music is lost to time. Afro Sisters' albums are impossible to find, and the band she started with Bibbe Hansen seems to be, too.

HOWEVER, through trying to find the later band, which was called Black Fag, I found a DIFFERENT band called Black Fag that is ALSO amazing. Unfortunately, their FB page hasn't updated since 2017, so it's safe to say they aren't touring anymore. This Black Fag is a gay Black Flag cover band, who are more performers than anything. Their live shows were campy and marvelous.

Check out this recording of a set they played in 2013- Boy, I wish I could have been there!!!

Somewhat related, I miss going to live shows so much... There's nothing quite as euphoric as being in the thick of a mosh pit, close enough to the stage that you can feel the band's sweat, strangers bumping into you on every side, beer flying through the air. I miss that electricity. I didn't actually go to that many shows before COVID hit- a result of a heavily controlled childhood and lack of opportunity, I guess. Most of the shows I went to were Against Me! shows, which was a good choice. I miss it so much!! I have no idea when I'll feel okay going again. I could maybe go to more low-key shows, but that's not what I actually miss. I miss the unsanitary kind.

Kay bye

Maybe I'll use it for other stuff, too? Anyway, if you go to SPX come say hi.
I keep wanting to make big journal posts with stuff, I have a lot I want to talk about, but then I get tired (like I am right now) and lose interest. Aaa..

Okay bye

I work on Rich People Island, which is a tourist hot-spot, and up until recently that hasn't been too bad. But boy howdy. It became tourist season overnight! Like, 3 days ago or so, it suddenly became impossible for me to close on time (I'm always closing shift). It's annoying, because then I get home later than usual by like an hour at the least.

A lot of the tourists are more okay than you'd expect, but I mean, customers are evil by nature, we all know that. I've avoided the worst of our customer bullshit so far, mostly because I don't work morning shift, but my coworkers have had people say rude shit to them, be generally unpleasant, order really stupid, complicated drinks, and in one instance, try to reach around our sneeze guard and GRAB THEM.

For your entertainment and my catharsis, here's a few wild customer behaviors I've witnessed while working here:

• Customers ordering something and then wandering off without paying
• A guy picking up our entire napkin dispenser and walking away with it
• A lady asking if there was a Coke freestyle machine in our grocery store (???)
• Some dude insisting I put his frozen beverage in a paper cup
• People wanting our kiosk (that they see one person working at) to cater their event
• Someone ordering this drink that cost $10.44

Anyway.

Trying to organize hasn't gone very well, mostly because I'm sort of a coward. I'm working really hard at being less of a coward. It's not just organizing conversations that I'm bad at, its most conversations. I know its like ~trauma~ and also that I'm probably on the spectrum, but I refuse to let my anxiety keep me from doing what I think is right. I don't wanna be the guy who wants a revolution but can't even order take-out without having an anxiety attack, YOU KNOW???

Organizing might not go anywhere anyway, but I need to know I tried. My current game plan is to ask coworkers I'm more comfortable with "Do you like working here?" to see if I can spark a conversation about their work issues.

I'm probably moving at the end of the year, so I'd need to see if we can form a workers committee, like, ASAP. The discontent is there, but currently everyone is at each other's throats instead of at management's.


I'm still trying to build a tattoo flash portfolio. I ended up showing what I had done so far to a veteran tattoo artist, and it was a somewhat frustrating experience, but I did get good guidance in there.

Here are my recent sheets:



I'm trying to make some stuff that's not just nature, too, but I mean....I really like drawing plants and insects.

I had been wanting to read more theory written by Black communists, so finding this interview with Huey P. Newton on Intercommunalism posted on crimson.earth was a great place to start. I liked that it was written after he had some time to let his ideas grow and develop. There's some really good stuff in it so I do recommend reading it. I don't really want to pull quotes, because I think it's better to read in its full context.

So, I went on marxists.org to read more of his writing, which is where I found and read The Correct Handling of a Revolution, which has some good stuff in it, but what immediately stood out to me was Newton's stance on rioting, which was....negative. As someone who is very much pro-rioting, I was surprised and wanted to learn more about both his stance and how it was recieved by other communists.

That's what led me to the work of MerriCatherine, a very cool writer who posts on Medium. She wrote a piece laying out her criticism of the way Newton talks about riots that I found really enlightening. Her other pieces are great as well, I recommend checking out her page!

Also, to be clear, this criticism doesn't cancel out Huey P. Newton's immeasurable contributions to revolutionary work and theory. Case in point, MerriCatherine also posted a transcript of an interview with Newton that is very, VERY, VERY good (if you only read one of these things I'm linking, make it this one).

I'm not new to reading theory in general, but I am new to reading Black revolutionary theory specifically (which is a problem), so bear in mind I'm like the opposite of an expert here.

Tangentially related, In Defense of Looting by Vicky Osterweil is a great book about looting and rioting as praxis.



My partner, who is a janitor at a department store, came across this really great post by Tumblr user cristabel-oct, and I wanted to share it. OP talks about how the purposed 4-day work week does not account for workers that don't have a 9-5, Mon-Fri structured work week. They also talk about how 9-5 workers, who are also exploited, need to have solidarity with other workers, some of whom share the same work building as them (janitors who work in office buildings being the big thing here). Definitely give it a read. OP wrote a follow up post as well.

Okay, now I'm going to try to do literally anything on my actual to-do list lol.

I'm working on adding movie reviews to Tor's shrine, because I've been on a real Tor kick lately. Some might say I should focus on making new shrines instead of updating the only one I have lol BUT.......I'm just following my heart, babey. I also really gotta at LEAST fix the landing page. The way I originally did it was like.......uuuhh well you can look at the code lmao.


This has been developing over the course of a few years, but I'm at a point where "bad" art is the only art I really care about anymore. Bad movies (hence the Tor movies), bad comics, bad music (check out Nervous Gender)...I mean that's not entirely true, some of the art I'm inspired by wouldn't be classified as "bad", but it is more, uh, just...raw, messy, and rough. In the spirit of "bad" art (note: not actually bad, just considered bad by lots of people), I started looking around on archive.org and found the collection they have of children's art. It's a little bit of a mixed bag, but there's a bunch of animated short films by kids, and those are pretty much all bangers.



This one is "The Snowman that Never Melts" by Alana Jacobs, age 8, and it's my favorite.



Another fave, Freddy's Big Win by a class at Carson Valley School.

Like I said, this art isn't actually bad. At all.


Pretty easy segue here, but I've been really politically inspired by the zine series "NO! Against Adult Supremacy", which I found thanks to JR's Storytime, probably my favorite Neocities page. And like, I'm primed to care about child liberation, because Codename: Kids Next Door has been my favorite show & piece of media & main special interest since I was 9 years old, so!! Also, as a communist and child abuse survivor, it feels like a no-brainer. I have always cared a lot about the right of children to advocate for themselves, be respected, listened to, and have space to express themselves.

I haven't read all the issues yet, but I bought a print copy so I'm pretty excited. My favorite essays so far have been "Parenting Is a Conflict of Interest" and "Ageism: A Pillar of Ableism" by Kathleen Nicole O’Neal. Here is an excellent excerpt from the later, talking about how the infantilization of disabled people and the way we deny rights to children are overlapping problems:



I really strongly recommend checking out the zines!


Been thinking a lot about anarchism, because a lot of really good stuff I've been reading has been by anarchists (Like the NO! zines), and I really do vibe with a lot of the core things anarchists do and believed- but I keep hitting this wall with it where I don't agree with the anarchist strategy of achieving it. It seems to ignore that the State is going to fight back, and win, if we don't sieze the tools of the State via Lenin's concept of the Dictatorship of the Proletariat. That really is what makes the most sense to me. I should look into anarchist theory more I guess. I've just mostly seen "we create mutual aid until we don't need the State anymore", which is a lovely idea, but we KNOW the State won't allow that? They crush mutual aid efforts NOW.

I do struggle with where I fall in terms of political groups, not because I care about the labels, but because I want to figure out where I can do the most productive work. I've been a member of Socialist Alternative for 6 years, and I love the organization, but even still, I've had my reservations even now. I mean, I don't take the fact that everyone else hates SA too seriously, because that's just how leftist orgs seem to be, they all hate each other. A lot of the criticism I've seen also doesn't reflect the experiences I've had in the org. I've seen people say SA doesn't talk about Trotskyist politics anymore and only focuses on electoralism, but that isn't what it feels like when you're an active member. We talk about Trotskyist politics all the time, and we definitely don't approach electoral politics the way people think we do.

I don't want to pedestalize The Old White Men of Marxism, but generally speaking, I really do vibe with Lenin's theories and Trotsky's ideas of Permananent Revolution. But why does that have to mean I'm strictly a Trotskyist? Why do communists feel like they have to choose One Guy to follow?

The differences in strategy between communist groups and anarchists do feel like rifts too wide to overcome though, don't they. I wish we could work towards our common goal together. Of course, historically, it's the opposite. I just think we all have a lot we could learn from each other. And what does anarcho-communism really mean? Their ideologies about leadership seem way too contradictory to me. Which is the main point of conflict, generally. I really like the way SA teaches leadership as something that should rotate and be accessible to everyone. We are all leaders together and can hold each other accountable. I like the IDEA of a world without anyone in charge, but how do you even get there? Political movements with no clear leadership have resulted in no structural change...

I'm just rambling now, but it's been on my mind! Because I really highly respect anarchists, but I don't think I could be one, so where does that leave me? Do I HAVE to be on an "opposing team" if I lean more communist? Whatever anyway!

If you have thoughts, leave a message in my Guestbook!

I've started working on a web page project that's very emotionally difficult for me but needs to happen I think. I don't know how easy I want it to be to access yet.

Also, I just got my coursework plan from the college I'm applying to for an Art Education certification, and I'm really excited about it. It includes a ceramics class, and I want to learn ceramics really badly. I'm going to pull the trigger on buying a tattoo kit soon, too. I want to get an internship after we move and use tattooing to help pay for school. I just want to have options and learn a lot of new skills.

I'm kinda nervous about how sore my whole body is every day lately, from work obviously. I don't even have that hard of a job, so I feel like a loser when it's too physically taxing for me. Obviously, I'd never say that about anyone else! And also obviously, this job CAN be physically taxing. One of my leads has developed chronic pain from it already, but she works a lot LOT more hours than I do, and she's also older. Still, y'know...I dunno, I guess I'm glad we're moving at the end of the year so I don't have to keep this job indefinitely. It's comforting knowing exactly when I can leave the job. Though, I'm also really glad I'm sticking it out long enough to get our end of the year bonus check, cuz I've been working here for two bonus check periods, and I didn't qualify for either of them (hadn't worked here long enough yet).

My doctor also increased my testosterone dosage, and I think I'm feeling The Effects, which is mostly good. Though, I am also the most confusing to cis people that I will probably ever be at this stage. I'll almost be kinda sad when I pass better, but I do want to continue transitioning, for myself- not for anyone else.

Anyway, here's more tattoo flash practice. I'm trying to figure out how I want to make flash.......I don't know if I should try to make my work more like tattoos traditionally are, or if I should try and embrace my own unique style. If it's the later, what the heck is my style anyway???? I have no answers, but plenty of anxiety.

I work at a grocery store, for context. One of the guys who makes sushi in fresh foods told me the other day that he doesn't get any days off except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I've felt sick about it since. The sushi guys work for a company that contracts them out to our store, so our store isn't directly responsible for this, but they are of course still responsible in their decision to work with that contract company. It makes me think- it's possible that many other sushi departments in supermarkets work similarly. IS THIS STANDARD? I can't imagine anyone buying supermarket sushi being okay with that level of human exploitation. Maybe something to think about...maybe ask the workers who make sushi at your local supermarket. If you do ask, let me know what they say. I want to know how common this is. Other than being physically and mentally cruel to workers, having no days off also means they can't travel anywhere. If you work every day, you can hardly leave town. It's a huge hiderance to One's personal freedom.

This is the most recent horrible thing I've learned, but your ability to buy food relies on a ton of exploitation and human fucking misery. At the most extreme, you have agricultural workers, who are disproportionally immigrants. This is a hyper-exploited class of workers who have their non-citizen status taken advantage of to deny them basic labor rights, such as minimum wage pay and days off. Many of these ag workers live on property and have their lives heavily controlled by bosses. If this sounds uncomfortably close to slavery, that's because it is. Every once in a while, a case will come to light where farm owners enage in actual slavery. One particular case happened last year in the state I live in (Georgia), where workers were forced to work at gun-point. This situation also involved contract companies, like the situation at my job does. I feel like it's impossible to avoid the implications of immigrant abuse there as well, considering how many sushi workers are Asian immigrants.

Though it is not as extreme, the supermarket workers manning registers, organizing stock, and making your deli sandwiches are also miserable. Our dairy manager was required to work 100 days straight last year, and many other coworkers have told me they're expected to work 15 days in a row sometimes. I realize 15 is a lot less than 100, and 100 is a lot less than 363 days a year, but actually all of these cases are unacceptable. I get incredibly burned out when I have to work 6 days. The longest I've done is 9 days, and that was very fucking hard for me. The level of pain and suffering only goes up from there.

Supermarkets are understaffed, workers are horribly underpaid, our concerns are not being listened to, and this is THE WAY YOU GET YOUR FOOD. Everyone should be alarmed by this. Everyone needs to eat. And for the record! Our store is 1) very bougie 2) has very bougie customers and 3) is apparently a flag-ship store, meaning we're considered one of the top 5 most profitable stores for this company.

Our pay is going up soon across the board, to account for inflation, but I don't know how much it will increase, and it will not solve the problem. Currently, deli workers at my store start at $10/hr.

The state of labor everywhere right now is dire. I just think about the issues food workers face every day, because that's where I work. Also, like I said before, it really should concern everyone that their ability to buy groceries relies on human misery at every level.

I would love if everyone thought about this more when they go shopping. Just keep it in your mind. Treat grocery workers with respect, even if they're kinda rude, because you have no idea what their week has been like. Talk to people you know about this, support strikes of all kinds when they happen, and agitate for better conditions in your own workplace.

Long time no blog.......I'm working really hard to find a balance between rest, work, and personal projects.

I updated the links page and the comics page of this website (and finished the Queercore page, too!), but I still want to continue updating this site to help me stay off social media.

I finally have too many blog posts to keep them all on the same page, so now you can browse blog entries by month. :)

What I'm working on right now is mostly working on comics and learning how to tattoo.

Practicing making tattoo flash:



Redesigning some OCs for the billionth time:







Making little daily comics:



Working on a 17 page comic about the Toiletnator:



Let me know what y'all have been up to in my guestbook!

Here's Toast

We went to FLUKE mini-comics festival!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was INCREDIBLE and exactly what I needed- Being around so many unbelievably creative people selling 8-fold zines for $2....These are my people....It was just amazing. Me, my partner, and our friend Meg split a motel room and brought mini-comics to hand out for free.







I'm gonna make Numbuh 4 is Transgender available on my comics page soon.

I'd been saving up all my tip money for months so that we'd be able to just throw cash at as many artists as possible, and as a result we came home with a huge haul :) Being around artists, meeting them and talking to them, making connections, reading really good comics, and assembling comics with my friends really lit a spark in me again. I'd been struggling with burn-out for a very, very long time- and I was stuck in a creative block. I think this trip knocked me out of that, and now I'm overflowing with ideas and motivation.

If the images don't load, just refresh the page a couple times...



Also, we got to hit up Bizzaro Wuxtry, the best comics shop I've ever been to.



So yeah, huge success!! I hope to make a lot of new zines soon...

UNRELATED but it turns out there's video from the brief period where Nervous Gender had an eight-year-old as their drummer, which is really great.

Uuuuuhhh I guess I've been doing a lot lately. I attended a web conference about sbux unionization, made a flyer for a rally against the "Don't Say Gay" bill, idk etc etc. That stuff is exciting and inspiring, which is nice considering how bleak and scary the world is lately.

I've also been working a lot on the Queercore page for this site- it's gonna be a bit. I care about making it good and thorough. I had to do a lot of research for it too, cuz even though Queercore is my favorite music genre, there was a lot of historical context I was missing. Learning more about it has been extremely fulfilling. For example??? I knew about Bruce LaBruce from his filmography, and Up With Dead People is one of my favorite movies, but I had NO IDEA he was also one of the essential pioneers of Queercore as a movement. (Pretty sure LaBruce is a dick, I get bad vibes from him, pretty sure he's got a n*zi fetish or something, but I have to respect his contributions to the Gay Freak community).

I've gotten into new bands, learned more about bands I already loved, rewatched Up With Dead People (that movie is NOT for kids, please don't watch it blindly, it's pseudo-porn), read the queer zines that literally kick-started the Queercore movement....it's felt REALLY GOOD!!

Even though I've been working a lot too, I have some days off soon and my partner has planned a little vacation for us in about a month so I have that to look forward to. Also, we're gonna go to a zine fest soon! And I need that so badly lol. We also had a really nice day recently where we both had off from work, so we got to go thrifting together and took a walk on the beach. Maybe things aren't so bad right now :)

I never actually showed y'all what we ended up doing with those giant cabbages. My partner made Jade Parcels from Genshin Impact, because they are a hopeless gamer. They came out REALLY GOOD and tasted delicious. They followed the recipe by Youtuber Chef Mar, but used a meat substitute. Check them OUT!





I swear I had way more stuff I wanted to talk about, but I can't remember any of it now!! Yay! So, here are more pictures of Asher.





EDIT: I remembered something I wanted to add.

Maybe everyone already knows about this, I dunno, but I found this old Transgender Webring from the 90s called TransgendeRing. Unfortunately, most of the external links no longer work, and the SEO isn't great, so I haven't actually been able to find a list of sites that were registered to the Webring. All I have is the main page for the Webring and the website of the woman who founded it, Laura Potter.

The Webring supposedly consisted of thousands of people and branched off into more transgender Webrings as well, but I need to spend some additional time looking around for information (I'll check Internet Archive, etc).

In the meantime, these pages are really significant and beautiful. I added a link to the TransgendeRing on my homepage, too.



Laura Potter's Website

I'm really tired after several days of going into work with a cold (working in a supermarket on superbowl weekend??? No thanks...) so I'm just glad to be at home all day playing the new pokemon game and vibing.

I want to work on my webcomic again......seeing parasect in pokemon legends reminded me that I have parasite bug OCs that I love to pieces who were JUST about to be introduced in my webcomic before it took an indefinite hiatus. I want to make time for projects that I care about again.

The other day, I stumbled on a neocities site that I haven't been able to stop thinking about (derogatory). It was some guy who was spouting very concerning conspiracy theories, and he had a lot of followers. His posts equating "freeweb" to sites like 8//chan made me realize that not everyone wants the web to be free for ethical reasons. There are people who think that we need to protect people's ability to spread medical misinfo and incite violence. Which, okay, I knew. I haven't been on the internet for a day, I'm aware of the awful shit that goes on everywhere. I'm also aware that some of this is going to be inevitable on a platform like neocities, and that platforms like twitter and tiktok are actually much more dangerous because of the ease in which misinfo can be shared (and also, shared to children). So, someone having their own niche site for sharing bigotry, etc, is less harmful overall and I guess that's better for everyone- but it still unsettled me. Please, if you find something online making claims about ANYTHING, check their sources to see if they're credible. That doesn't mean just making sure their source is a news site- Look into what the news site is, who owns it, who finances it, and what THEIR sources are.

I know there's a lot of kids on neocities, which is awesome actually, but also I don't think kids are being taught proper internet safety (my generation wasn't either, but it seems worse now?) so I worry about it a bit. Just be safe and keep a good head on your shoulders. Bare minimum internet safety: don't give out personal information (real name, location, etc), don't automatically trust people you meet online (this doesn't mean don't talk to people or have friends, which is where our generation's internet safety went wrong, it just means that you should have boundaries with people), and don't believe everything you read online- do your own fact checking. Also, it's not really a great idea to share photos of yourself online if you're a minor (another reason tiktok is dangerous- it ENCOURAGES this...)

Edit: Whether you do the above things or not- if you are hurt by someone online it is NOT your fault.

I don't want to end on a downer note, so here's a picture of Asher

I completely changed this website's layout, because I hated the old one, I can't pin down why. I'm trying to make it work for mobile now, but that's a process I guess. All my pages have SOMETHING on them now except for the queercore page.

I got rid of my art page and replaced it with a comics page. I just can't be fucked to display my art on here otherwise. Having a hobby that doesn't involve drawing for once is like....liberating. Maybe concerningly so?

Unfortunately, while Neocities has given me a better alternative to social media, and I love it, I'm also....hyperfixated on website building to a detrimental degree. I'm stressed and overwhelmed in my waking life, and I've been tossing all my obligations aside to work on this site. Eventually it's going to catch up to me. Also, I kinda wish I could have latched onto a hobby that didn't still involve staring at a computer screen indoors.

The only other non-art hobby I've ever had has been insect collecting and insect photography. The former I haven't done since college, and the later is harder to do this time of year (but not impossible!). I need to prioritize getting out of the apartment. I did get a new bug net for Christmas.... It would be really fun to do some sweeps with it. It's not a sweeping net, but I could...improvise.

Seriously though, all my obligations involve screens, and I'm sick of it.



This is gonna sound obnoxiously dramatic so bear with me, but I need to grieve the loss of my dreams. I mean, there's still technically a possibility that I'll try to pursue an animation career again, but I'm not banking on it anymore. I've made this decision based on...feeling like it's what's best for me mentally right now, but it's very hard to not feel like a failure. I've had teachers tell me I would never work in animation because of my "attitude" (that's abuser code for "standing up for myself and others"), and while they weren't right for the reasons they thought, I hate the idea that they could be right at all.

You know like, there's this culture of "you have to hustle until you nearly kill yourself" and "if you don't break in, you didn't try hard enough, you didn't sacrifce enough" ...but I don't want to? The industry is extremely oversaturated with talent right now, and most of that talent is being used carelessly and then tossed aside. I don't really want to be another artist used up and discarded. But, am I just making excuses for myself? Isn't giving up the ultamite sin??

I've lived my whole life thinking "I'll make it as an artist, because I don't have a choice- There's nothing else I can do, I have no other skills, I have no other desires- So I'll keep trying my hardest until things work out." and in thinking that, there's this implication that things working out is inevitable. But it isn't. Am I a failure for wanting to enjoy life?

I've been wishing that I stuck with my entomology studies. I started college as a bio major with an entomology focus, with the goal of going to grad school, but I've always been an artist, and I switched my major to get an animation degree, because I knew that's what I really wanted. And it was!! But I regret it anyway. Not that the field of insect research ISN'T oversaturated with talent and full of it's own problems...but at least I could do something worthwhile and important with my life. Or something.

Anyway, the reason I bring up grieving is because I was going through animation material from the 90's for some work I'm doing (for a family member that was an animator) ,and one of the things I went through was a scrapbook of crew photos (extremely 90's photos), and in them I saw what I always dreamed an animation career would be like. It's not really like that anymore. Mostly, because of the pandemic I guess. So maybe it'll go back eventually, but I still can't work in a studio like that, because I don't live in a city with big studios (or any studios). Growing up, the ideas we form about what life will be like is based on how life was for the previous generation. But that's not what life will be like for us, for better and worse!

I've always known exactly what I wanted the future to look like, and suddenly I don't. It's scary and sad, but maybe also hopeful and full of possibilities.

I hope you're having a good day!

Okay, I know I should be working on other parts of my site instead of just writing blog posts, but I don't have a ton of time and these blog posts have been good for me. They help keep me off Twitter, etc.

My current job has led me to some interesting observations about my gender and how other people percieve my gender- Customers see and hear me, and then they decide if I'm a man or a woman, and it's basically 50/50 at this point. I never say aything, I let them think whatever they want to. The truth is, of course, I'm not a man OR a woman, but I find it fascinating watching strangers come to their own conclusions. Several times, people have decided I'm one gender and then CHANGED THEIR MIND about my gender- mid conversation! This goes BOTH WAYS as well! I don't do or say anything to cause this, so I always wonder what's going on in their head. One time, a man was so embarrassed about "mistaking me for a woman initially" that he tipped me $10!!!! Now, I wear a mask at work so that contributes, though I don't actually know if removing it would change anything.

But here's the kicker....I've realized that I love this. There was only one time that a customer straight up ASKED me what my gender is, and I replied I didn't care and she could choose what she wants to call me (she did not like this answer lol) AND I MEANT THAT! My gender isn't something I've ever had a solid grasp of, but for many years I've accepted that I Don't Know and decided to Not Care, which has been liberating and very comfortable. I do still identify as transmasc/a nonbinary trans man, but that doesn't really mean I'm a MAN, y'know? Do you feel me? Like, I've known nonbinary women who are like, not actually women, but still nonbinary women. It's like that. Anyway. My point is I'm tentatively considering going by "any pronouns" instead of "he/they". My pronouns are a fun game where YOU decide! It doesn't impact who I am or what my "gender" is (whatever that even means).

Sometime last week (I think it was?) I was watching a very interesting panel discussion on the T-Time Network YT channel (amazing panel discussions with a wide variety of trans women, many of them middle aged Black trans women). There was a tense debate between an older trans woman and a young trans woman (21 y.o) about trans people who don't want to medically transition and trans people using new identity labels. As much as I am immediately on the side of the younger woman, who was advocating for all trans experiences, I was extremely glad that the older woman was able to have the space to discuss her hesitation and discomfort. We need to have these difficult conversations within the community! And they SHOULD NOT be done ON SOCIAL MEDIA like we so often see....That's what leads to frustrating discourse. Discourse should just be discussion, where all participants respect each other and have to look each other IN THE EYES. We need to genuinely work to understand where the other is coming from, especially when it's an inter-generational issue! You can't just brush off someone who's struggling with the "new generation", that helps no one. Not that in-person discussions always go well...I know that from personal experience (Me and a couple friends were onced asked to explain to our University's GSA why saying your pronouns is important, and we basically got harassed out of the room by angry cis gay people), but it's better than fucking Twitter Dot Com. Also, listen to your transgender elders. A huge part of the discussion was around how younger trans people have less to overcome (VERY generally speaking- It's not like being trans is a walk in the park today) than trans people even a decade ago, and how overcoming that shit actually did lead to our elders developing certain perspectives and life skills. On the flip side, it's a VICTORY that young trans people DON'T have to overcome the same struggles- That's what we are fighting for! But...we can still learn those lessons by listening to the experiences of those who DID struggle.

I'm not actually going to link that video, because I haven't finished it yet so I can't vouch for the entire thing, but here's another video from the same channel about safety in dating (content warning for heavy topics and open discussions of sex).



Today I woke up and thought "what if I became an art teacher"...So I'm going to research what that would entail. Seems like I might need a 4 year degree, which I can't afford. But...my Mom is a teacher also, maybe she'll have advice. Or something. I'm going to look into it more. It would be so nice to give up on an animation career, get healthcare and a retirement plan, be able to work in any city in the country, have summers and weekends off to make comics/art, and be paid a salary....AND I love working with kids! Easier said than done of course, but it sure would beat being a barista for $12.50/hr....

I want to work on my shrines, work on Book of KND, and a Bugs page...Some shrines I want to make include:

• Tor Johnson shrine
• Up with Dead People shrine
• Day of the Dead shrine (obvs)
• Fido Dido shrine

If anyone reads this, I hope you are well and I send you good vibes!! Also, I made a guestbook that you can access from my about page.

It was Hourly Comics Day on Feb 1st, which is a comics community tradition of documenting everything you do for a day as a comic. Here's mine:



I also wanna start doodling dairy comics about being a barista...like, to cope? I guess? Here is one I made.


I'm planning on adding a "Bugs" page to this site where I can put thoughts, photos, links etc all about bugs. I'm gonna try to carve out some time for it. I work 5 days in a row now, and idk I have a lot of other stuff on my plate too. Not the best ever. I'm actually being coached by a friend to start TRYING to organize my workplace, and while it's really important and a little exciting, it's also nerve wracking. Just trying to take things a day at a time.

Dog Park Dissidents is my favorite band right now. I loved their second EP "High Risk Homosexual Behavior", but then I wasn't sure how I felt about their newest EP "ACAB for Cutie" at first...but after listening to it on repeat for awhile I'm fully obsessed with every track. It's exceptional.

Please check out their stuff on bandcamp
Here's some other music that I've been particularly enjoying lately. Antiflag is a band that defined my teen years and shaped me as a person.

This is my favorite Rico song right now.

Today we got haircuts from our eccentric hairdresser who told us wild stories about going clubbing in the 90s. She's great.
We also went to my partner's Uncle's vegetable garden and got a huge fuck-off cabbage from him. This thing is HEAVY and barely fits in our crisper drawer.

Visiting the garden made me get really excited about the prospect of growing our own vegetables when we own a house some day. I am dreaming of a future where communities grow their own food and share the extra with their neighbors for free, and money becomes obsolete.... Not bartering, but mutualism. My partner's Uncle grows more food than he can eat himself, so he ends up giving free food to everyone he knows...I want that to be me one day. And then I'll give vegetables to someone who owns farm animals- Maybe they're who gave me the manure to grow my vegetables in- and they give me some extra eggs and milk....I have experience with gardening, beekeeping, composting and field work that I often forget about, because it was such a long time ago, but I miss it dearly!! Not beekeeping really...it was a very cool experience, but now I know about how harmful it can be, and aboout how honeybees are an invasive species. Native bees pollinate crops way more efficiently, but it's much harder for capitalists to exploit them the same way they do with honeybees, since they don't live in huge hives.
In fantasizing about mutualism, it reminds me that I do not dream of labor. Like, the working under capitalism kind of labor. I have spent my whole life working extremely hard to build a career in art. Even as a little kid I was making my own website and trying to create graphic novel pitches. I've got a BFA in animation. I've been hustling my ass off since I graduated, and other than a few short term freelance jobs, I haven't been able to support myself. At a certain point, I stopped lying to myself about what an animation career will look like. The majority of animation careers sort of resemble the gig economy- You have a contract position for a certain number of months, and then you have to look for work again. Over and over and over. You're always hustling, always looking for work......Never reaching stability... That's not EVERYONE'S career, but I've seen it happening to so many people lately that it just made me deeply depressed. Like, is this what I'm working so hard to break into? Am I happy?
So...at some point recently, I just decided to stop trying. At least for now. I like my job as a barista well enough. I don't mind staying here until my partner finishes trade school and we move somewhere else. I can focus on myself, not tie my value as a human being to my job, enjoy some non-art hobbies...make art for MYSELF? That I ENJOY??? I will see where time takes me, everything is so uncertain right now anyway. I'm just exhausted, and I think I need to take a huge step back for awhile. I've already felt way, way happier since making this decision and also spending a lot less time on Twitter.

This is mostly just a test post! I'm happy with how this site is looking so far. Today is my day off and I'm having a peaceful morning with my cat. I hope I can get this site live today!!!