I made a new site bitton Feel free to use it! I'm fully embracing The Tingler as my site mascot.

What a perfect creature. Don't forget to scream!

I know this is a jarring tone shift from my last blog post. Nothing has actually changed, but I don't have anything else to say at the moment. Well, no, I do have things to say, I just don't want to say them right now.

Uuuhh okay hello, we got power back last night. I live in an area that was devastated by Hurricane Helene.... My family and house are fine, but my community is not.

I wanted to talk about how I'm feeling in the aftermath, because I struggle with processing emotions.

Our direct area is still in the process of doing search and rescue, a week and a half after the hurricane. Normal, every day people are volunteering to do wellness checks on missing people, and they are not always going well. People's homes were washed away by floods and landslides. Crushed by trees. Everyone knows multiple people that lost everything. Some communities are regaining power and water, but still more have not. My area won't be getting running water for weeks, maybe months. People I care about have experienced incredible trauma.

My job is closed indefinitely, though we started discussions about reopening, so that may happen sooner rather than later. I have a lot of free time suddenly, so I'm out volunteering and trying to help friends. But also, I've been doing a lot of nothing, too. During the first few days, I didn't have the capacity to do anything I enjoyed. I spent a lot of time just lying down staring outside.

I don't know... today I watched a coworker I love break down crying. I'm taking it all in, but I don't know how to deal with it internally. I want to help, but that requires people accepting my help. And I'm exhausted. I don't have much reason to be exhausted- I know people with multiple kids who lost their homes, I'm fine in comparison, but I guess it's been emotionally draining just living through it.

Neighborhoods just down the street from me are gone. My partner's work building is gone. Entire families died. There are still people who are trapped in their houses, who can't access resources. I will have to navigate going back to my already emotional job carrying this, with everyone else also carrying this.

And, yes, sure I do have survivor's guilt. It's not fun having no running water, but we're okay. I live close to our city, while rural areas are the one's struggling the most. I know guilt isn't productive, but it's probably also part of why processing has been difficult for me. What right do I have?

I did have a moment where I cracked, and it was ugly! Out of nowhere, one little thing set me off, and alone in my house I had a full blown mental breakdown. I did things I'm not proud of, but I really felt like I couldn't control myself. I'm pretty good at going away from people when I get like that (usually I shut down instead of explode, so it's not as much of a problem), so I do have some degree of self control, but it's genuinely really scary in the moment- and it lasted hours. I didn't want to talk about this directly with anyone, but yeah, it scared me. I hope I can process everything that's happening in a healthier way from now on, but I don't know! It's fucking hard! I hadn't had a mental break like that in years.

And I guess I'm okay now. I'm just irritable and deeply emotionally constipated. The later was a problem before the hurricane, too, but now it's really hard to ignore.

I don't want to give specific places to donate to, because I don't want to give away exactly where I live, but keep Appalachia in your hearts right now, please.

I have so much work anxiety going into my new job. I have absolutely no reason to expect this position to be anything like my old one, but last year was just so, so, so bad. Until I get more settled in, I'm always going to have this looming fear of "what if I can't handle it. What if I end up being a disappointment. What if I'm yelled at"

And it is hard too because- Well, my job is not easy. It's actually particularly hard work. And last year I had any shred of confidence I might have had totally ripped away by my supervisor. If it wasn't for my other coworkers assuring me that I was actually doing fine, I would have left the field altogether. It's a bit difficult for me to come to grips with, but I guess last year was actually traumatic for me.

As someone who's not unfamilar with experiencing trauma, it's a strange feeling to still not recognize trauma while it's happening. During my time at work last year, I was constantly making excuses for my supervisor's behavior, saying it wasn't that bad, insisting that the problem was actually me. If only I could just be better at my job, then my supervisor wouldn't be so demeaning and angry and shame me in front of other staff! Obviously!

So now, when I'm starting a new position in a new place that seems extremely supportive and cooperative- a place that literally has a flat hierarchy, a place that is revolutionizing the field with radical compassion, listening, and trust... I still keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, it's too good to be true. It's frustrating. I just want to be happy and excited for this new experience! I just want to embrace being a part of something so special!

This is legit a dream job. It's unbelievably lucky that I'm here. It's everything I could ever ask for. But because of how I've been treated in the recent past, I can't break out of this crushing anxiety that I'm gonna do a bad job. Weh.

On a lighter note, we're starting to sheet mulch a huge part of our front yard so we can plant native wild flowers and meadow plants.

My partner and I went for a little walk around our neighborhood to forage and admire the weeds. We really like plants that are considered weeds, just in general, but also a lot of them are forageable!

There's a little part of the road leading up to our house that's been completely abandoned, so the weed run wild. I spent a long time admiring all the bees, flies and wasps that were swarming the porcelain berry flowers. Porcelain berry is viciously invasive, and it was covering the area like a blanket, but the bugs absolutely loved it.

It's such a good feeling to stand somewhere engulfed in the sound of crickets and grasshoppers while watching such a wide variety of pollinator species buzzing around. Literally breathtaking. I wished I could turn small and join them.

But I wasn't supposed to be there for the bugs (though it's inevitably what I get transfixed by). Here were the real stars of the show:

Sorel Sensitive Pea Chickory Ragweed Queen Anne's Lace

They're all very common weeds, but I adore them. We transplanted some chickory and sensitive pea.

Unrelated, I think I'm gonna change how I organize my blog posts. Right now, they're organized by month, but I'm gonna make them organized by year. I just don't blog as much as I used to when I had more time and energy. I might have to cut 2022 into two parts, though. We will see! This isn't my top priority right now.

Well, it's been a full calendar year since I've written a blog post. This is in no small part because my anxieties about the new job I was starting were unfortunately founded, and I had a hell of a stressful year as a result. I recently decribed it to my therapist as "a situation where you either sink or swim, but I somehow managed to tread water". So anyway, I left that job. And now I'm about to start a new one. Same field, different setting.

I don't really want to talk about that, though. I wanted to talk about accepting that I'm autistic and dealing with my body dysmorphia. Because those aren't really things I like talking about with people around me.

And with accepting I'm autistic- Well, two things. One: When I imply that I struggle to accept it, it's not that I don't want to be autistic, or that I think being autistic is bad. It's the opposite. I want it to be true, but I feel like I'm lying or I'm not "autistic enough", which is not a phrase I like. And Two: I don't know if I can contretely say that I have accepted it. Maybe that all sounds stupid to say. If I'm writing about it, then surely it's definitive, but I dunno, I waffle back and forth about it constantly.

Unfortunately, I think it's clear that my OCD has latched onto this. This is standard OCD stuff. "What if I'm a liar?" "What if I'm a bad person for claiming this?", plus, I'm stuck in a loop. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm fixated.

I recently read the DSM section about autism with my therapist, hoping it would help me figure it out, but I ended up right back where I started. My main hesitation has nothing to do with my symptoms, struggles or behaviors as an adult. If you only look at that, I check every box. The question is, was I always like this? I can't quite remember. But I keep thinking "surely it would have been obvious". I know I was a social kid, but I also know I was always an outcast. My peers made it clear to me that I was different and offputting. I was annoying. I know autistic kids exactly like that now, but of course that in of itself doesn't mean anything. There have to be other signs. And I just can't remember.

I remember being told I was "mature for my age" with a good head on my shoulders, who was outspoken and smart. But y'know what, looking back, that never felt true. More like...just things you tell kids. I wasn't "smart", I struggled in certain subjects, my handwriting was (still is) terrible, I had some behavioral problems. All of that just means I was a normal ass kid, though.

Whatever, I don't know, I'm overthinking it. I don't think I can ever know. But I do know that presently, when I get overwhelmed or otherwise thrown off, I have shutdowns. When that happens, I inevitably google "autism quiz" or "what is an autism shutdown". The results? Yes and yes. When I shutdown, communication and basic tasks become very difficult, my sensory sensitivities get worse, and I emotionally retreat inward. I think part of why I've struggled to label this as a shutdown is because, if I absolutely have to, I can communicate and I can perform basic tasks, it's just much harder to (and I don't do it as well). And I need to give myself some grace there. If it's harder, but still possible, that's still disabling. And the only way out is through- Going to a quiet, dark space for an hour or so. Engaging with my special interests helps as well.

I'm really just saying all this to purge it from my brain, like a diary, but for anyone to passively read. It would be fair to be annoyed with my thoughts if you're an autistic person who can't mask, I'd understand that. I realize that it's a privilege to be able to doubt if I'm really on the spectrum.

Then, I'm also thinking about my body dysmorphia a lot. It's hard to separate that out from gender dysphoria, obviously. And there's overlap. But I do have both. I recently started testosterone again because of the dysmorphia more than dysphoria. I'll put it plainly: When I was on T, I gained weight, and I felt like myself for the first time in my life. When I got off T, I eventually lost weight, and it's been making me feel horrible. I'm trying to put the weight back on. Sure, there's other things I'd like (I keep telling myself maybe this time I'll actually get chest hair), but the weight is most of it. I certainly didn't expect to feel so strongly about it. But as you can imagine, this is a hard thing to vent to people in my life about. Anyway, wish my luck I guess.

Also, I decided I hate my website home page again. So, I'm gonna try and change it or something.