Feb 26, 2022
Listening to- Checking Out Your Babe by Tribe8

Uuuuuhhh I guess I've been doing a lot lately. I attended a web conference about sbux unionization, made a flyer for a rally against the "Don't Say Gay" bill, idk etc etc. That stuff is exciting and inspiring, which is nice considering how bleak and scary the world is lately.

I've also been working a lot on the Queercore page for this site- it's gonna be a bit. I care about making it good and thorough. I had to do a lot of research for it too, cuz even though Queercore is my favorite music genre, there was a lot of historical context I was missing. Learning more about it has been extremely fulfilling. For example??? I knew about Bruce LaBruce from his filmography, and Up With Dead People is one of my favorite movies, but I had NO IDEA he was also one of the essential pioneers of Queercore as a movement. (Pretty sure LaBruce is a dick, I get bad vibes from him, pretty sure he's got a n*zi fetish or something, but I have to respect his contributions to the Gay Freak community).

I've gotten into new bands, learned more about bands I already loved, rewatched Up With Dead People (that movie is NOT for kids, please don't watch it blindly, it's pseudo-porn), read the queer zines that literally kick-started the Queercore movement....it's felt REALLY GOOD!!

Even though I've been working a lot too, I have some days off soon and my partner has planned a little vacation for us in about a month so I have that to look forward to. Also, we're gonna go to a zine fest soon! And I need that so badly lol. We also had a really nice day recently where we both had off from work, so we got to go thrifting together and took a walk on the beach. Maybe things aren't so bad right now :)

Feb 18, 2022
Listening to- My partner playing Pokemon
Mood- Restless

I never actually showed y'all what we ended up doing with those giant cabbages. My partner made Jade Parcels from Genshin Impact, because they are a hopeless gamer. They came out REALLY GOOD and tasted delicious. They followed the recipe by Youtuber Chef Mar, but used a meat substitute. Check them OUT!

I swear I had way more stuff I wanted to talk about, but I can't remember any of it now!! Yay! So, here are more pictures of Asher.

EDIT: I remembered something I wanted to add.

Maybe everyone already knows about this, I dunno, but I found this old Transgender Webring from the 90s called TransgendeRing. Unfortunately, most of the external links no longer work, and the SEO isn't great, so I haven't actually been able to find a list of sites that were registered to the Webring. All I have is the main page for the Webring and the website of the woman who founded it, Laura Potter.

The Webring supposedly consisted of thousands of people and branched off into more transgender Webrings as well, but I need to spend some additional time looking around for information (I'll check Internet Archive, etc).

In the meantime, these pages are really significant and beautiful. I added a link to the TransgendeRing on my homepage, too.

Laura Potter's Website

Feb 15, 2022
Listening to- Biddyfox!
Mood- Drinking chai and lying on the couch with a cold

I'm really tired after several days of going into work with a cold (working in a supermarket on superbowl weekend??? No thanks...) so I'm just glad to be at home all day playing the new pokemon game and vibing.

I want to work on my webcomic again......seeing parasect in pokemon legends reminded me that I have parasite bug OCs that I love to pieces who were JUST about to be introduced in my webcomic before it took an indefinite hiatus. I want to make time for projects that I care about again.

The other day, I stumbled on a neocities site that I haven't been able to stop thinking about (derogatory). It was some guy who was spouting very concerning conspiracy theories, and he had a lot of followers. His posts equating "freeweb" to sites like 8//chan made me realize that not everyone wants the web to be free for ethical reasons. There are people who think that we need to protect people's ability to spread medical misinfo and incite violence. Which, okay, I knew. I haven't been on the internet for a day, I'm aware of the awful shit that goes on everywhere. I'm also aware that some of this is going to be inevitable on a platform like neocities, and that platforms like twitter and tiktok are actually much more dangerous because of the ease in which misinfo can be shared (and also, shared to children). So, someone having their own niche site for sharing bigotry, etc, is less harmful overall and I guess that's better for everyone- but it still unsettled me. Please, if you find something online making claims about ANYTHING, check their sources to see if they're credible. That doesn't mean just making sure their source is a news site- Look into what the news site is, who owns it, who finances it, and what THEIR sources are.

I know there's a lot of kids on neocities, which is awesome actually, but also I don't think kids are being taught proper internet safety (my generation wasn't either, but it seems worse now?) so I worry about it a bit. Just be safe and keep a good head on your shoulders. Bare minimum internet safety: don't give out personal information (real name, location, etc), don't automatically trust people you meet online (this doesn't mean don't talk to people or have friends, which is where our generation's internet safety went wrong, it just means that you should have boundaries with people), and don't believe everything you read online- do your own fact checking. Also, it's not really a great idea to share photos of yourself online if you're a minor (another reason tiktok is dangerous- it ENCOURAGES this...)

Edit: Whether you do the above things or not- if you are hurt by someone online it is NOT your fault.

I don't want to end on a downer note, so here's a picture of Asher

Feb 12, 2022
Listening to- I'm not listening to anything!! Fake music fan!!
Mood- Tense????

I completely changed this website's layout, because I hated the old one, I can't pin down why. I'm trying to make it work for mobile now, but that's a process I guess. All my pages have SOMETHING on them now except for the queercore page.

I got rid of my art page and replaced it with a comics page. I just can't be fucked to display my art on here otherwise. Having a hobby that doesn't involve drawing for once is like....liberating. Maybe concerningly so?

Unfortunately, while Neocities has given me a better alternative to social media, and I love it, I'm also....hyperfixated on website building to a detrimental degree. I'm stressed and overwhelmed in my waking life, and I've been tossing all my obligations aside to work on this site. Eventually it's going to catch up to me. Also, I kinda wish I could have latched onto a hobby that didn't still involve staring at a computer screen indoors.

The only other non-art hobby I've ever had has been insect collecting and insect photography. The former I haven't done since college, and the later is harder to do this time of year (but not impossible!). I need to prioritize getting out of the apartment. I did get a new bug net for Christmas.... It would be really fun to do some sweeps with it. It's not a sweeping net, but I could...improvise.

Seriously though, all my obligations involve screens, and I'm sick of it.

The other thing on my mind is...

This is gonna sound obnoxiously dramatic so bear with me, but I need to grieve the loss of my dreams. I mean, there's still technically a possibility that I'll try to pursue an animation career again, but I'm not banking on it anymore. I've made this decision based on...feeling like it's what's best for me mentally right now, but it's very hard to not feel like a failure. I've had teachers tell me I would never work in animation because of my "attitude" (that's abuser code for "standing up for myself and others"), and while they weren't right for the reasons they thought, I hate the idea that they could be right at all.

You know like, there's this culture of "you have to hustle until you nearly kill yourself" and "if you don't break in, you didn't try hard enough, you didn't sacrifce enough" ...but I don't want to? The industry is extremely oversaturated with talent right now, and most of that talent is being used carelessly and then tossed aside. I don't really want to be another artist used up and discarded. But, am I just making excuses for myself? Isn't giving up the ultamite sin??

I've lived my whole life thinking "I'll make it as an artist, because I don't have a choice- There's nothing else I can do, I have no other skills, I have no other desires- So I'll keep trying my hardest until things work out." and in thinking that, there's this implication that things working out is inevitable. But it isn't. Am I a failure for wanting to enjoy life?

I've been wishing that I stuck with my entomology studies. I started college as a bio major with an entomology focus, with the goal of going to grad school, but I've always been an artist, and I switched my major to get an animation degree, because I knew that's what I really wanted. And it was!! But I regret it anyway. Not that the field of insect research ISN'T oversaturated with talent and full of it's own problems...but at least I could do something worthwhile and important with my life. Or something.

Anyway, the reason I bring up grieving is because I was going through animation material from the 90's for some work I'm doing (for a family member that was an animator) ,and one of the things I went through was a scrapbook of crew photos (extremely 90's photos), and in them I saw what I always dreamed an animation career would be like. It's not really like that anymore. Mostly, because of the pandemic I guess. So maybe it'll go back eventually, but I still can't work in a studio like that, because I don't live in a city with big studios (or any studios). Growing up, the ideas we form about what life will be like is based on how life was for the previous generation. But that's not what life will be like for us, for better and worse!

I've always known exactly what I wanted the future to look like, and suddenly I don't. It's scary and sad, but maybe also hopeful and full of possibilities.

I hope you're having a good day!

Feb 05 2022
Listening to- Behind the Bastards episode on the FDA
Mood- Eating a very, very good cranberry orange muffin

Okay, I know I should be working on other parts of my site instead of just writing blog posts, but I don't have a ton of time and these blog posts have been good for me. They help keep me off Twitter, etc.

My current job has led me to some interesting observations about my gender and how other people percieve my gender- Customers see and hear me, and then they decide if I'm a man or a woman, and it's basically 50/50 at this point. I never say aything, I let them think whatever they want to. The truth is, of course, I'm not a man OR a woman, but I find it fascinating watching strangers come to their own conclusions. Several times, people have decided I'm one gender and then CHANGED THEIR MIND about my gender- mid conversation! This goes BOTH WAYS as well! I don't do or say anything to cause this, so I always wonder what's going on in their head. One time, a man was so embarrassed about "mistaking me for a woman initially" that he tipped me $10!!!! Now, I wear a mask at work so that contributes, though I don't actually know if removing it would change anything.

But here's the kicker....I've realized that I love this. There was only one time that a customer straight up ASKED me what my gender is, and I replied I didn't care and she could choose what she wants to call me (she did not like this answer lol) AND I MEANT THAT! My gender isn't something I've ever had a solid grasp of, but for many years I've accepted that I Don't Know and decided to Not Care, which has been liberating and very comfortable. I do still identify as transmasc/a nonbinary trans man, but that doesn't really mean I'm a MAN, y'know? Do you feel me? Like, I've known nonbinary women who are like, not actually women, but still nonbinary women. It's like that. Anyway. My point is I'm tentatively considering going by "any pronouns" instead of "he/they". My pronouns are a fun game where YOU decide! It doesn't impact who I am or what my "gender" is (whatever that even means).

Sometime last week (I think it was?) I was watching a very interesting panel discussion on the T-Time Network YT channel (amazing panel discussions with a wide variety of trans women, many of them middle aged Black trans women). There was a tense debate between an older trans woman and a young trans woman (21 y.o) about trans people who don't want to medically transition and trans people using new identity labels. As much as I am immediately on the side of the younger woman, who was advocating for all trans experiences, I was extremely glad that the older woman was able to have the space to discuss her hesitation and discomfort. We need to have these difficult conversations within the community! And they SHOULD NOT be done ON SOCIAL MEDIA like we so often see....That's what leads to frustrating discourse. Discourse should just be discussion, where all participants respect each other and have to look each other IN THE EYES. We need to genuinely work to understand where the other is coming from, especially when it's an inter-generational issue! You can't just brush off someone who's struggling with the "new generation", that helps no one. Not that in-person discussions always go well...I know that from personal experience (Me and a couple friends were onced asked to explain to our University's GSA why saying your pronouns is important, and we basically got harassed out of the room by angry cis gay people), but it's better than fucking Twitter Dot Com. Also, listen to your transgender elders. A huge part of the discussion was around how younger trans people have less to overcome (VERY generally speaking- It's not like being trans is a walk in the park today) than trans people even a decade ago, and how overcoming that shit actually did lead to our elders developing certain perspectives and life skills. On the flip side, it's a VICTORY that young trans people DON'T have to overcome the same struggles- That's what we are fighting for! But...we can still learn those lessons by listening to the experiences of those who DID struggle.

I'm not actually going to link that video, because I haven't finished it yet so I can't vouch for the entire thing, but here's another video from the same channel about safety in dating (content warning for heavy topics and open discussions of sex).

Today I woke up and thought "what if I became an art teacher"...So I'm going to research what that would entail. Seems like I might need a 4 year degree, which I can't afford. But...my Mom is a teacher also, maybe she'll have advice. Or something. I'm going to look into it more. It would be so nice to give up on an animation career, get healthcare and a retirement plan, be able to work in any city in the country, have summers and weekends off to make comics/art, and be paid a salary....AND I love working with kids! Easier said than done of course, but it sure would beat being a barista for $12.50/hr....

I want to work on my shrines, work on Book of KND, and a Bugs page...Some shrines I want to make include:

If anyone reads this, I hope you are well and I send you good vibes!! Also, I made a guestbook that you can access from my about page.

Feb 03, 2022
Listening to- The Last Place I Saw You Alive by The Mountain Goats
Mood- I'm a cat who loves to snooze

It was Hourly Comics Day on Feb 1st, which is a comics community tradition of documenting everything you do for a day as a comic. Here's mine:

I also wanna start doodling dairy comics about being a barista...like, to cope? I guess? Here is one I made.

I'm planning on adding a "Bugs" page to this site where I can put thoughts, photos, links etc all about bugs. I'm gonna try to carve out some time for it. I work 5 days in a row now, and idk I have a lot of other stuff on my plate too. Not the best ever. I'm actually being coached by a friend to start TRYING to organize my workplace, and while it's really important and a little exciting, it's also nerve wracking. Just trying to take things a day at a time.